I am sorry.
I am sorry to the one in four of us who suffer a miscarriage. I am sorry for your loss; but I am also sorry for my joy.
Every time I write or post on social media about my current pregnancy, I feel guilty. I feel the hearts of the women going through a miscarriage breaking and know how painful it is to see someone exactly where you want to be.
A loss for words after misscarriage
I was that woman who, during and after my own miscarriage, looked at the smiling faces and the growing bumps of friends with grief and jealousy and wondered why it hadn't been me.
When I found out that I was pregnant again, however, the first feeling wasn’t of happiness. It was fear.
I spent the first five or six months scared every time I felt a cramp or went to the bathroom and wiped, seeing blood… when there was none. I felt the fear of sharing the news in case it happened again.
I also worried about how our own pregnancy announcement would silently affect the men and women that were experiencing the quietest of griefs. Those longing for a child of their own, those going through a miscarriage, infertility or patiently waiting, hoping to adopt.
We (myself included) are so open about the happy events in our lives, painting perfect parenting pictures on Instagram and telling fairytale stories on social media about how happy and clean our lives and our children are.
The bad stuff? We sweep that away, like lego pieces under the sofa.
A recent YouGov poll showed that when it comes to miscarriage over a third of people still would not feel comfortable talking to a close female friend about miscarriage. The main reason given was not knowing what to say.
Yet, these are (presumably) the same pals that you’ve told about first periods, first loves and first went to The Shed with… You know, shared the good and the bad: so why not miscarriage?
After I wrote about my own miscarriage, I was asked by the BBC to talk about my experiences on Radio Scotland.
There I was introduced to the Miscarriage Association, a national charity which was set up over 30 years ago to help anyone affected by miscarriage, ectopic or molar pregnancies.
Today they have launched a campaign called SimplySay to try and help change those YouGov statistics.
As I wrote in my first article, folk often seem to be at a loss for words when it comes to miscarriage. Or, they end up saying things that are meant to be helpful, like ‘at least you can conceive’, ‘isn’t miscarriage basically a big period’ or ‘it wasn’t a real baby yet’ that are, in fact, incredibly hurtful.
SimplySay shares ideas about what to say and how best to help both men and women who have experienced a loss with a really moving animation, that’s worth a watch.
They also hope people will add to the conversation with photos about some of the best and worst comments they have received in response to their miscarriages.
I’m so sorry. It’s really s**t (good)
You weren’t very far along… (the worst)
A picture, of course, can tell a thousand words but it often doesn’t tell the whole story. If you or a friend is going through a miscarriage, look up the Miscarriage Association, they’re there to help you through.
And to those who are or have experienced a miscarriage and are hoping to fall pregnant again, I hope my pregnancy posts don’t cause you any more pain.
I’ve called this pregnancy our ‘silver lining’. A rainbow after the clouds.
I hope with all my heart that you have yours.